Gone....

Gone...

From 5 hours and 3000 miles away
You climbed into my heart.
Together we came
Ten full years you stayed.

Not always liking
Not always kind,
But always loving.
In sickness and health.

Three months you went from me
But just a little way
Three months I followed;
Almost daily I came.

A weakness took your body
A fear took your mind.
Then just one day I slipped away
No usual "goodbye"
Because you were sleeping.

There was a day after that.
I couldn't see you
Things to do; people to see.

On Sunday, fate refused me your visit.
But "Never mind.....
I'll see you Tomorrow"
I texted to you.

But that night you left me
(I didn't know till you'd gone)
To go
Where I can't follow.
Not just a train and a bus rise away
Not 3000 miles, 5 hours and a flight.
But gone away forever
Through time and space.

Did you need me?
Were you sad?
Were you fearful and alone?
Did you, oh please, DID you?
Know how much I loved you?

There is
No time for kindness.
No time to like.
No time for "Goodbye".
To hug and hold on to.

To eternity and infinity
Last night you took my heart.
Godspeed and love you forever.
My dear.

Because no more,
"See you tomorrows"
Are left.

Not enough rope to.............

So we all want the same things

And we all start off with the same wings.

We all have the same fears

And we all work  through our 40 plus years.

That's when it changes though

Because some of us get the wanted things

And some of us end with the clipped wings

And still the same fears

Though we worked through our 40 plus years.

We all start off with the same schemes

And the same means

We all search for the lover of our dreams

And we all start by knowing how good it all seems.

That's when it changes though.

Because some of us make real on those schemes

And some of us struggle for never quite the means.

Some of us just meet the lover of our dreams

And some just  us learn that  "real"  isn't "seems".

That's when it stays the same though.

So please God don't let me hope

And please don't extend me not enough rope.

For then how can I stand and watch from the beach

While my other real  life floats just out of reach?

.

Traitorous Need

Traitorous Need

Funny people

Sunny people

Bright button people

Engaging people

Sad people

Happy people

Needy people

Needed people

Hopeful people

Hopeless people

Lonely people

Cherished people

Around my muffled pocket of headspace they spin

Weaving and chasing their lives

Near enough to touch, and yet so far away.

Watch them. Feel them.

Take them into your inner mind's eye.

Make from them what you can.

Wonder....

How must it be to feel worth

Value

Use

Belonging

Needed rather than in need?

How must it be to be wanted

Cared for

Safe

Held

Needed for your needs?

What are the words?

How are they said without being said?

Heard without sound?

When will I know?

As saving grace veneer drops harshly away to display

older

weaker

faded

less than

heavier

tedious

inadequate

undesirable

Driving deeper into alone

Until nothing is left.

And just when hope should finally be damned,

Why does traitorous need then raucously scream

stronger

louder

desperate

lonely

A constant cutting razor sickness pain?

So small the cure, and yet so huge;

The command that simply says, "I care".

The look that says, "You are not alone".

The, "I have your back and will keep you safe".

So little and yet so much

Can warm the heart and heal the soul.

So little for others........

Everything to me

Just Dreams.....

Just Dreams.......

Sometimes I just cover my face;

Close my lids and travel through space.

Twisting, turning; silver soft aura,

Mercury slowly, gracefully streaming.

No more tears; no fears; no ugly yearning

No razor blade of sadness seeking my eyes

No pain shadow trapping my psyche  

No more broken and ripped apart

No more silent screaming into the dark.

Bathed in the halo of a healing starlight.

Yielding up whole to the perfect trust of 
My inner submissive soul.

Sometimes (no, always)

That coldest of Dominants, who calls Himself "Reality"

Shakes me hard back into the land of Everyman's Life.

Forces my hands clean away from my face; 

Shines unforgiving raw light into my opened eyes.

Tears away dreams and security in one rushing swoop.

Shoves me out the door and slams locks it behind me.

Leaving me to fight and claw my way

Back through the bloody battle of 'Fend for Yourself'.

Trust

Trust

Trust is.....
The small things.
The word in confidence
The private aside
The expectation of understanding
The glimpse of the photo.
The shared secret things 

Trust is......

 the big things. 

 The unconditional
The embracing arms of the circle
The warm waves of comfortable pleasure and belonging
The comfortable tranquillity of the psyche.

Mistrust is...
The small things.
The guarded and too carefully chosen word
The sotto-voiced murmur
The arm's length
The just seen careful glance
The things just barely kept from seen.


Mistrust is the huge things.

 The chilled and lonely fringes
of Just-Beyond land
The nagging worry of why.
The needled thoughts
picking and thrusting at the peace in your belly.
Bidding for heart.
Forcing up the tide of sadness
Drowning pride and self respect.

Words said...

Words said...

Words said...
are diamonds...
Things of beauty
Nurtured by space, earth and time.
Carefully fashioned, honed and polished to perfection.
Given and passed on in love.
Words said...
are life.

Words said...
are diamonds...
  Shattered into lethal rock hard splinters.
A thousand razors of cold hard betrayal 
Tearing through trust and security,
Lodging deep into hearts and souls
Where they can never be removed.
Words said...
are death.

Untitled....

Would be climbers from dark deep places; clawing, kicking, pushing, pulling, dragging,
Fighting in vain to get out of the depths.

Ears full of cloudy black cotton wool silence.
Brain screeching popping yelling , swooshing screaming, never ceasing,
violently ripping and yanking at the peace.
Mouth fear smog dried.
Throat choked with some kind of filthy itching soot.
Head hurts, night frights, shaking hands, heart pounds; sad and threatening memory ghosts.
Can't quite touch, bitter tears, no one hears, restless dreams and terrible things .
Psyche soaring, wailing screeching,
a lonely single jaded gull forever circling and seeking in the empty wastes of night.

Would-be climbers from dark deep places; clawing, kicking pushing, pulling, dragging,
looking for the light.

Day breaks. Ghosts fade. Heart slows.
Hardly glimpsed treacherous hope filled dreams
escape through desperate air clutched fists.
Drum kit in head playing way too loud. Feel a bit sick. Tongue all furred.
Lids puffy, eyes blurry, hardly seeing
Joints really hurt -
must be getting old.
Bathroom beckons; wash it away.

Mask on. Barriers up.
Eat, drink, walk , talk, listen, smile, laugh
Empathize, sympathize
Don't want to do it? Mouth tight shut and suck it up.
Feel a need trying to rear its head? Stamp it, tamp it, ram down the lid and hammer it home.
Yours is the good life, self-centred bitch!
Control it, hold it, keep it in. Batten down the hatches. Lock those doors.
Yours are non issues, so keep that scream right inside your selfish head.
Listen and learn what REAL troubles are.
Call out the troops, protect from fire and cover that back.
Cushion and provide for every possible fall.
Wrap them, warm them, support them, surround them with care
As soon as they are comfortable, step outside.
Head well up and stiff upper lip
There's no cheese for that whine, so shut the hell up.